Happy Holidays!

 

Thank God for carrying me through the toughest semester thus far. Tears and blood had been shed in this mental massacre within myself. I was a mess, chaotic.

Many battles in life are fought in solitude, unnoticed by the passing world. It is in silence, we learn.

Little wonder most of life’s greatest lessons are taught by ourselves - an experience, a mistake, a revelation. It is by being in it, we remember.

____________

Updates

Piano – Done with Bach and Haydn. Moving on to my 3rd exam piece by Gershwin.

Cello – Seeing a gradual improvement after the 3rd lesson and I’m happy about it. :) Had a great time performing with TMO last night, playing “Christmas Concerto” by Corelli and “Angels We Have Heard On High”.

School – Done with Obstetrics & Gynaecology posting @ NUH. Currently on a 2-week term break. WOOHOO. Final semester will begin on 3rd Jan 2011 @ NUH, Pediatrics for 2 weeks.

_____________

I would like to wish everybody a Merryest Christmas, one filled with much joy and warmth from dear ones. Have fun!

                              

复杂的我

 

心内有好多说不出的话
不知如何开始。。。

Just thinking…

 

In relation to Darren Ng’s case, where is the ethic in taking photographs of him lying in a pool of blood, slashed and dying, and publishing them to the world? If he was your BROTHER, would you do that?

_______

While brushing my teeth last night, a revelation suddenly dawned on me that the reason why we could have a relationship with God and could actually FEEL God’s presence is simply because He is our heavenly Father.

I am saying this in relation to my older brother whom I have never gotten to see, whom passed on due to miscarriage a year before me. In spite of this, I sometimes still think of him and could actually feel close to him.

I can never understand this bond which we have.

I guess it’s not a common topic to talk about since it’s perhaps illogical, but I had a discussion with a few who had the same experience, so I’m glad I’m not mental as I sometimes thought myself to be.

And I guess it’s the same concept for God. Though I have not seen Him, we have a bond which none could break. Those who have not known Him would probably find it hard to fathom and conclude we are really in delusion.

_________

It’s a haphazard post, just to clear my mind, I’m rushing off to school to do up my essay.

And oh it’s Saturday.

Hi November

Updates

Piano - Teacher has finished teaching Bach’s prelude and fugue no. 21 for my exam. Currently practising that and Chopin’s Waltz in Db major. Will start on Haydn’s Sonata in C# minor exam piece the next lesson.

Cello - Lesson will commence next Saturday with my new teacher. Back to basics yet again. Have not practised. Orchestra is currently rehearsing Beethoven's No. 5.

School - Currently working on a research review essay, one more major assessment ahead and I need to start preparing for end of semester exams.

Mood - Stressed, distressed, depressed.

Quality of LIFE - Low.

__________________

Deary me, what have I gotten myself into.

Heart To Heart

 

I fell in love with this song the moment I heard it during service last Sunday. It’s a very old song, I was told, but I haven’t heard it before. I love how simple it is with no fancy decorations or effects.

It was as if the song sprung out of the abundance of the songwriter’s heart, in its purest most sincere form; and as if he/she couldn’t contain his/her love for God, it had to manifest itself into a song. :’)

I believe just as iron is used to sharpen iron and diamond is used to cut diamonds; only words/deeds from the heart is able to touch another heart.

Likewise, when we sing to God with all our heart, I believe God’s heart will be touched too.

This song reminds me that I’m really nothing without God and how much more I need Him in my days ahead. I’m very grateful for all He has done in my life…  :’”)

___________

Happyest birthday to xls, btw. :)

P.S: Argh, 1 minute late. :(

Live & Die; Laugh & Cry

Hi, it’s been long.

And so it goes, some changes have been made in my life since my last update.

Piano – Merit for Grade 7, moving on to Grade 8. Finallyyy.

Cello – Involved in a chinese ensemble performance with about 5 others very randomly. Otherwise no progress, or even worse. Will be learning under a new teacher in November.

School – Finished all assignments for one module. In the midst of doing 3 more. Grrr. Otherwise nothing much.

Weight – Grew fatter, if you haven’t realised. =/ But if you do, keep it to yourself! Heh heh.

___________

All well, the main highlight of the month would be my 4-day clinical shadowing with a palliative care nurse in NUH. She’s the only one whom I admired most thus far and aspired to become.

All 4 days tagging along with her had been the best time of my clinicals, as I observed how she communicated with dying patients and their family members and discussed the plan of care with them.

The choice of words she used was carefully uttered with a great ounce of sensitivity and tactfulness, and most importantly with sincerity and love too. Patients whom she had never encountered, could open up to her so easily.

All these talks about death and dying had been thought-provoking and teary for me (but didn’t drip down), especially with crying family members or helpless patients. I admired how my nurse maintained her professionalism even in sticky situations where words were insufficient.

We encountered a suicidal patient who found no meaning in life anymore in view of his progressive cancer disease which was causing him much pain. My nurse explained to him that pain was easily manageable and tried to divert his thoughts to things in his life which could bring him joy and hope. She also mentioned that all of us will eventually die, but it’s the way we die that could affect how others would remember our passing and cope with the grief.

There was also another brother who desperately wanted to donate part of his liver to his sister who was diagnosed with breast cancer which had metastasised to her liver and other parts. He poured many questions to 2 palliative doctors and was told repeatedly that it made “no sense to do so” as her cancer cells had already entered the bloodstream. Furthermore, a liver transplant is a major operation which would further lower her immune system and could even cause both of their lives.

Life and death issues right in my face.

I had a revelation of what it means by the phrase “every day is a gift”. This thing about “gifts”, I would think that it’s not merely a passive process of giving and receiving. How would anyone like it when we give someone a gift enthusiastically only to be received with nonchalance???

Likewise, I think that when God gives us the privilege to live another day, He’d also want us to embrace the day with fullness of joy and gratitude, and perhaps with a “YIPEE” when we wake up lol. And of course I believe He has a purpose for giving us each day, as He has for everything He does.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

See See Look Look

Sometimes I don’t know to close my eyes or look to the sky.

I’m often fascinated by stuff  in the sky – clouds, stars, moon, sun, rainbow (if I’m lucky), lightning, kites, birds, planes, whatever. I think the sky contains so much magic in it. It’s so alive, yet not.

The wonders and boundlessness of the sky make all troubles seem insignificant, like tiny specks of dust which just happen to land onto your life, and ever so ready to take off somewhere else again.

However, all being said, the sky is like a make-believe world, where clouds hang like marshmallows, where you can find a pot of gold at every rainbow’s end. It’s an instant temporary escape from the harsh reality, where you’ll eventually find yourself back to square one again.

~~~

On the other hand, when I close my eyes, I see darkness. I feel my innermost thoughts skyrocketing straight from my heart into my brain. Sometimes, it is too much to bear, the influx of thoughts and overwhelming emotions manifest themselves as tears, trickling down my cheeks.

Issues become magnified as my field of vision becomes narrower and more focused. Sometimes, the things I see or imagine scare me. Big time. It is so unnecessary. Sometimes, the heaviness weighing down on me makes it so hard to even open my eyes, and all I see are those looming troubles.

~~~

Then I’ll be reminded of this beautiful song

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of the earth
Will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

It always brings tears to my eyes, knowing that God knows, and He cares. There arises a quiet sense of security and assurance, even in the midst of chaos and disarray; and a sense of empowerment knowing that God is in partnership with me in every battle. There is nothing too big that He, thus me, can’t handle together!

~~~

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Romans 8:37

Amen!!! ^^

 

When Music Speaks

I had an incredible spontaneous urge to compose a song the other night, out of the overflowing love I received last week from family and friends alike. Moments like this are hard to come by, and I knew I had to do it there and then.

I find bathrooms especially inspiring, probably because of the constraint space and hence less distraction. So naturally that was the place I went to get it started. I managed to come out with 2 stanzas and I pretty liked it since they’re words straight out of my heart.

I then had a bath (so convenient) and went back to my piano to put sounds into the words. I must say I really like it ^^, though it composes of really simple melodies and rhythms in F major. Took a mental break on my laptop, followed by the chorus.

By the end of 2 hours, the song looked kinda complete and I was very pleased. ^^ Self-entertainment to the MAX. ^^

It goes like this…

~~~

Verse 1

My heart is filled with gratitude
Of the unselfish love you gave
It’s a special kind of love
Which asks nothing in return

Chorus

It must have been a miracle
It must have been from up above
It must have been a priceless gift
Sent way down into my life

Verse 2

I have thought through and mulled over
All the deeds that I might have done
It’s hard to come up with one
When there’s really none I did

Chorus

~~~

After looking through, I realised it can also be a worship song to God too. I was really very touched and blessed by the song… It brought tears to my eyes when I sang it. I don’t really know how to say, but it didn’t seem like I was the one who composed it.

The previous song that I wrote was also very spontaneous, it arose during an insomnia in the middle of the night (about 3am?) a few years ago. I remember the entire process of creating the melodies and lyrics took less than half an hour, like in a snap of a finger.

Fearing I might lose the entire song by accidentally sleeping, I quickly took out my handphone and recorded it.

It goes like this…

~~~

Hold on tight unto Jesus
He will never let you go
In the rough waves of your life
Know that He is in control

Jesus reigns above all storms
You don’t have to be afraid
Look to Him and He’ll be there
Beside you and through it all

~~~

I love this song a lot… Like the latest song, it has very simple melodies and sounds more like a children’s church song, very cute. ^^

Sorry I’ve been raving about the songs… I’m just biased right. ^^ But honestly speaking, I don’t feel like they’re MY songs, but rather songs put into my heart by God, to bless myself and the people who hear/read it.

This is probably God’s kind of therapy for me, for my down days. ^^ My ultimate dream is to perform music therapy for others in the hospital, especially in palliative care, for patients with terminal/chronic illnesses. I hope my songs/music is able to bring healing, hope and joy in people’s souls.

 

A Grand Welcome Back To School

It’s the 2nd week of Year 3 Sem 1 @ NUS, been really slooow thus far. It’s probably time I start making concrete post-grad plans. I have shortlisted a few paths, mainly revolving around music and nursing. Of course.

Last week seems so surreal and distant. Memories have already receded deep into the recesses of my mind and will probably stay there for the next 50 years. That is, if I am still alive and without Alzheimer’s/dementia.

Well, it went like this. On the FIRST day of school, I was the 2nd last to reach my music lecture @ YongSiewToh. Apparently, the seminar room was too small to contain 80 people, and you know how people like to sit around the entrance and not shifting deeper in.

I had to squeeze my way through a row of students at the back to reach some vacant seats, apologizing to them while doing so. In my frantic mental state, I overlooked a HUGE black bag in my way and actually TRIPPED over it and FELL. Thus disrupting the lesson for about 15-20 seconds with my extravagantly flamboyant entrance.

Trust me to do things like that. HAHA.

_________

The NEXT day.

I was supposed to have a performance in school with the NUS harmonica orchestra. It was only the day before that I knew I’d be the only cellist playing and we had a cello solo part.

I was unable to attend soundcheck that day due to lectures and thus unfamiliar with the stage and the student conductor who took over.

What happened on stage that fateful evening was everything I hoped not to happen. It was extremely traumatising. I cried intermittently throughout the entire night until I fell asleep.

Thank God for giving me the courage and strength to return for rehearsal 2 days later and face the music and the orchestra once again. It certainly wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but I knew I had to.

I guess it’s about falling (not literally =P) and rising up to walk again and again, without losing an ounce of determination. Slowly but surely (I hope).

_________

Piano exam’s next Tuesday. It’s too soon, though I can’t wait for it to be over and to finally learn other repertoires. =)

If all goes well, I’d graduate from NUS next year with a degree and piano grade 8. I’m still deciding if I should do grade 7 theory next March??

I like to plan for my life and not to live life aimlessly. And I know that God is always there guiding my every step, watching closely over me. He knows my deepest desires and I know He wants to bring them to past. =))) I will keep trusting in Him in good days and even more so in bad days. =)))

  

Love of My Life

Week has been demanding right after my Taiwan trip – consisting of 6 rehearsals + 1 performance in 5 days. It’s probably also my most fulfilling one being able to perform on the piano (keyboard to be exact) for the first time in my life and to work with different groups of musicians and instruments.

My greatest fear in performing on the piano was, and always has been, to be so nervous that my fingers become clammy and shaky that I can’t even play a single note.

Fortunately, it went generally well yesterday, except for a stupid split note at Bar 1, some missing and wrong notes which otherwise were not obvious, but still.

I could feel my hands trembling as I played. However, once you’re being put in the spot, you absolutely can’t entertain those negative thoughts that are trying to get in your way.

I’m glad the musical was well-received by the audience, all well in the end. =) It was a step closer to my childhood dream of playing the piano in a ballroom with dancing people, oblivious of my presence.

___________

Upcoming schedule

Monday – @ CFA for last rehearsal with NUS harmonica orchestra (NUSHO) before proceeding to Suntec City Convention Hall for Asia Pacific Harmo Festival… It’s a competition actually.

Tuesday – Last 4 piano lesson before my exam and my teacher wants to go through every section this day. Exam date is pushed forward to August despite me booking in September. I’m really unprepared now if you ask me…

Wednesday – Tuition in the afternoon. Rehearsal at night with home orchestra.

Friday – Tuition in the afternoon. Rehearsal at night with NUSHO for YOG opening.

Saturday – Hopefully free.

Sunday – Church in the morning. Hopefully free later.

Monday – National Day, END OF HOLIDAY =(!

Tuesday – Start of Year 3 in NUS Nursing.

___________

I’m happy my holiday is filled with many music activities, it’s the only time I can actually put my mind and heart into practising. Come September, all will end except for my weekly Wednesday rehearsal with home orchestra and piano lesson.

I might have bad withdrawal symptoms. =/

___________

P.S: Apparently my blogskin disappeared outta the blue. Will leave it as it is, until I am bored.

Brake For A Break

Monday.

I’m supposed to have piano lesson at 11am. Conventus rehearsal from 10am-5pm. Harmonica rehearsal from 7-10pm.

It is kinda daunting considering I have yet to complete packing for my Taiwan trip, exchange currency and buy some stuff.

Monday’s gonna take all of me.

Tuesday.

I’m supposed to reach the airport by 5am. Gonna crash at Tiffy’s house before that.

~~~

It’s quite a challenging schedule for an unorganised person like me. =/ I’m stoning now, trying to prolong my Sunday so that Monday wouldn’t come so fast.

Anyway…

I’ve been thinking about post-grad plans. I’m not sure if my lifestyle is able to accommodate shiftwork? The recent attachment got me into some serious considerations. As much as I like nursing, I don’t like it that much to revolve my life around it.

The erratic shifts are so gonna screw up my life in more than one way. I don’t think I’m yet up to sacrifice other commitments.

So within the next one year, I gotta source for shiftless nursing roles which at the same time, enable me to fulfill my one and only aim of entering the medical field.

Am I asking for too much?

~~~

Ok so I’ll be back almost on a Sunday. And in the meantime, I’ll try to keep my mind off whatever is and will be happening here.

 

THE Fall

It’s 4:07am and I can’t sleep. So here I am. =)

On a fateful night not too long ago, I had a major fall tripping over a wire during a jog. It was bad. It wasn’t like I had never fallen, but this was the most traumatising.

I actually cried. Through the 20 minutes I took to walk home.

I remember the entire episode of how I felt the resistance of a wire against my ankle, lunged forward and tried to support myself, but in vain, due to the overpowering gravitational pull.

I skidded flat on the rough road and sustained multiple superficial injuries on my arms, right thumb and palm, leg, lip and abdomen. I pulled myself up, still holding on to my iPhone, which cracked under the immense impact. 

(Now that I think of it, my phone actually acted like a wrist guard, shielding my right hand from further damage.)

Sand plastered itself onto the sticky plasma of my open wounds and I looked like a horrible mess.

It was about 10pm, I was alone and very frightened I must say.

~~~

I was  touched to have supportive friends who composed me down much. A friend actually bought plasters and antiseptic cream for me and it was already midnight. It was during this time when I realised the importance of having “social support”.

It was an awakening experience of me as a nursing student, to not take light of diseases I deem non-serious. It is so convenient to compare the “degree” of illnesses between patients, think “Nah… This is not as bad as that patient’s. It’s ok.” and fail to realise that each patient is an individual with his/her own set of challenges and concerns.

I believe there are many more aspects to address, than the mere physical condition. That is only the tip of an iceberg. Take my (lousy) example, even though it was a nasty fall, the bruises and abrasions were not unfamiliar for me, so my physical state was not my primary concern. However, to fall alone out at night and seeing the cracks on my relatively new phone, affected me psychologically (ok not the best way to phrase). And at that point of time, I needed to address that first and foremost.

Of course, mine is the trivial-est of matters.

Magnify that by a hundred for a HIV/cancer/_____ patient and  then perhaps I can see beyond what I have been previously blinded to.

~~~

Ok, it’s 5:37am and I’m supposed to have school rehearsal at 8am. Hope I do not fall asleep to my sad, slow, emo pieces.

 

Hi I’m BACK.

Year 2 has ended, holiday has begun. It just means doing the things I like minus the guilt part. It sucks being a student here, I must say.

Upcoming events

1) Taiwan trip with the Bananas
2) Performing for Conventus (Annual nursing event)
3) ? Performing with NUS harmonica orchestra for Asia Pacific Harmonica Festival
4) ? Performing for YOG
5) Start of Year 3
6) Piano exam in September

3) & 4) are still pending, and if I’m in, it means rehearsals on Mondays and Fridays on top of my regular Wednesdays’. Not much of a holiday to talk about, but it’s good experience and exposure though. =)

Making the best of every day now.

School is starting in 4 weeks. Too soon. Dislike.

 

One of Those Nights

If love is blind, I must have been very blind.

I hate how irrational feelings are.
How my mind and heart are always in conflict.
How my prayers seem void.
How I deceive myself.

I feel stupid. He doesn’t even know.

____________________

I find it strange that some people are actually envious of me… Or rather my life… Perhaps they haven’t seen the tears shed in exchange. And those haunting thoughts, voices telling you you’re not good enough.

It’s so convincing sometimes, it drives me crazy. For I have every reason to believe so.

In times like this, I choose to listen to the word of God and know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. To be still, and know that He is God.

It has been an incredible 4 days at the Operating Theatre, a-once-in-a-lifetime privilege.

@ the Recovery Room

It was my first time seeing with my naked eyes and touching a baby conceived just minutes ago (via Caesarean), with his fingers still sticking together. =) It was pure joy just looking at him. =)))

In front of the baby was a woman in her late 20s, who just had a Caesarean. I hate seeing patients lying stranded on the bed with no one around, totally powerless and unsure of the next intervention. There she was, just given birth, and alone staring up the ceiling. =( So I went up to her and we talked, I was surprised how easily we engaged each other! =) She went on to tell me that her pregnancy had to be induced due to her baby’s heart condition and he had to be sent to the ICU at once. Tears swelled up her eyes when she told me that. =( And we went on to talk about lighter stuff… Thankfully we had many things in common =)

@ the Operating Theatre

I’m overjoyed to even enter an OT, I mean how was I to know that a childhood fantasy could actually come true?! It had once seemed so surreal, so far-fetched and unattainable. It makes me believe that I can dream of anything and it can be possible.

I had the privilege to witness
1) Stripping of varicose veins 
2) Laproscopy + gallbladder removal
3) Bladder cystoscopy + biopsy
4) Removal of breast tumours
5) Removal of cysts on face and hand
6) Rectal hemorrhoid
7) Hemithyroidectomy (Removal of thyroid)
8) Below-knee amputation (BKA)
9) Termination of pregnancy (a.k.a abortion)

It was an awakening of some unknown senses when I looked at the insides of our body. Beautiful organs. Beautiful creation of God. I’m overwhelmed. =’’)

~~~

A Touching Operation

This morning, before the start of an operation, a nurse announced to all that this patient had Hepatitis B. I was especially touched by the surgical team when I saw their unwavering commitment and determination to operate on him regardless. I’m sure they’d do the likewise even if a patient has HIV or other blood diseases.

As an outsider witnessing the op, it finally hit me why people always view medical professionals as being “heroic”, because at that moment, I saw them in the same light too. Now I understand, and I am very proud of how doctors and nurses would go all out, at the expense of themselves, to save someone. =’’’)

That scenario was what every student should see for themselves, to not only be inspired, but to grasp the impact we can actually make in doing the seemingly ‘mundane’ stuff. Sometimes, it’s too easy to despise the little things we do for patients…

~~~

A Disturbing Operation

In my previous post, before the start of clinicals, I mentioned that I hope to have the chance to see an amputation op, and I was very happy that it was granted. =) It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it to be, no intimidating machines and big saws.  -_-

I shall keep the details of the procedures censored for the sake of people with wild imagination like me. The worst part of the op was not the sight of it but the sound produced when the _____ is being ____. For someone with a low tolerance to awful sound, I had to act unpro and cover my ears with my hands, in an attempt to muffle it.

When this _____ doctor saw it, she said “It is not going to explode you know.” At that moment, I was too distracted to care, so I “duh-ed + *roll eyes*” in my mind and dismissed her comment. Later I realised it was just stupid lame sarcasm which was totally redundant. One reason why I like Gregory House is because his sarcasm actually makes sense and sound intelligent.

I could still take trivial matters like that, it just reflects the kind of mind you have. The most disturbing thing however, was when a nurse asked if I wanted it “medium-rare or cooked”. I was utterly speechless and offended. How can anyone make light and disrespect a body part? I mean a HUMAN body part.

Would you say the same if that patient is your loved ones? Dammit. Talk about patient’s dignity. I could have spoken up for the patient, but I did nothing… In the limiting mindset of a student.

~~~

A Sad Operation

This morning I had a chance to witness 2 abortion ops. It was a disheartening moment to see girls around my age having to go through that. I feel especially for them since I had a nightmare in Year 1 Sem 1 of me discovering that I was pregnant and having to go for abortion (due to the fetus I saw in our Anatomy Museum. Argh.)

The dream was so real and vivid, I woke up from it panting and trying to make sense/reality out of it as I lay on my bed. In my dream, I remember being so traumatised and helpless, and seeing the future I was working towards crashing right before me. I remember I didn’t believe it actually happened to me, surely it was another girl’s life story. Not mine.

As I witnessed the op process, I felt sad in my heart. It’s a kind of sad I don’t normally feel.  It’s scary how a mere moment of folly, of losing one’s rationality can leave one with a lifetime of regret. This is totally not worth the price of instant gratifications.

___________________

I had a nightmare again last night, and I woke up from it at 3am. It was related to my clinicals. I was so scared… =( Sigh……

Does Aileen deserve a good celebration for the official completion of Year 2  two weeks later? =)

 

The In Side

It’s 2:15am now. My energy level has surged sky-high recently, it gets a little inappropriate at times. I don’t know if people actually get irritated by it, when it gets me chirpy, high and all. Then again, I can draw my curtain right before you, and we can feel a thousand miles apart - in an instant, if I wish.

I’m now tearing to Joshua Bell’s “Ladies in Lavender” on the violin. I never really like the violin, it’s as if my brain’s vibrating and hair’s fizzing up. If you can imagine… And whoever came up with the brilliant idea of that awkward playing position?

This piece, however, touches something in my heart. There are some emotions which are so remote, they go beyond comprehensive words. It is when music comes in play, with the power to draw them out. 

There’s probably a part of us we never know about… For I often find myself surprising myself.

MIA and Back

Wow, I didn’t even realise how long I haven’t blogged. Time passed so quickly, I’m already at my 4th week of clinicals. It’s amazing. =) The faster the merrier, I wanna have my holidays like the rest of the NUS people.

And now I don’t know where to begin… 

Maybe from the most recent?

___________________

Dad’s Birthday

@ Prima Towers Revolving Restaurant @ Keppel Road

                 

*Hmmmm…. What shall I order…*

                  

*AHHH headache!!!*

                      

The staircase where me and Bro used to play on when we were kids. We loved running up and down and walking on the elevated red step at the side =)))

As the name suggests, the whole restaurant actually revolves, bringing us scenes of the PSA, Mount Faber and Sentosa. As if to celebrate my Dad’s birthday, there were fireworks from Sentosa at the moment our view was directly in front of it. =)))

It was a memorable moment for us. =)

                             

                 

We then made our way to the Resort World @ Sentosa for a look! It was our first time there after the official opening, so it was quite an eye-opener. We are planning to go back for “Air Supply” concert on 20th June! Dad first introduced this oldie band to us when we were 13 or 14. =)

___________________

Semester Results

It was just average with Bs and Cs, at least I improved, and that’s something to be happy about. =)) I don’t really place grades above all, so with this lack of motivation and attitude, I don’t expect a lot out of it.

There’re other things I place more value in of which I demand more out of myself…

___________________

Asia Conference

Since clinicals, I haven’t been going to church regularly due to time clashes and to be able to back for Asia Conference, experiencing the presence and love of God so mightily, was such an overwhelming experience for me. Something I won’t trade anything for.

                 

Happy to sit with Alice!!! =))) We knew each other in secondary school and grew up in church together, so we’ve seen many sides of each other! =Pp

                  

Sunday sunrise over the expressway to EXPO for orchestra cum choir performance. It was my privilege to be able to perform in the presence of many great leaders and broadcasted to millions around the world. Sometimes I feel I don’t deserve it, but thank God =))

                

Choir getting their hair and makeup done, looking good =)))

             

                                                            

                

                

On the finale night with my best friends of a decade =))) Despite all.

It was an awesome 3 days of being refreshed spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Best of all, it is smacked in the middle of my clinicals when I most needed it =)))

However, a day after the end of AC, news broke forth that our church is involved in some monetary issues. It is actually the hottest topic in the media right now. Actually I’m quite nonchalant about it in the objective point of view, like what’s new?

However, it saddens me too and I actually can’t bring myself to read the news reports. I didn’t read the previous news involving my conductor and his wife too. For I know too well that local news are often so well garnished, you can’t taste the main ingredient.

Whatever it is, I know I won’t be the person I am now if I hadn’t set foot into it a decade ago. I remember sitting alone in my first service there, being scared and all cos I couldn’t contact my bestie. I actually cried.  -_- I remember me as a girl, with nothing much in my hands, no dreams to work towards, and still figuring out this new phase of life as a young teenager.

But since that first service, I have never left my church and it was the best decision I’ve made in my whole life to know God and be led by Him. Never did I know that God has so much in store for me. Though I haven’t done a lot or have come very far, where I am now is something I could never imagine myself at a decade ago.

And I wanna thank my church leaders for guiding me through my spiritual walk with God, for their consistent boldness and faith in God, for always encouraging us to pray and love God even more than yesterday.

 

A Revelation

 

Tonight is not the best night to have insomnia, but it’s almost inevitable as neurons explode like fireworks in the tiny space of my cranium. It’s effortless to even think, like a result of our involuntary reflexes.

It’s 4:45am now and I just gave up sleeping after 3 agonising hours of tossing and turning, trying to find a best position to sleep in. In the process, I thought of some interesting things of which only 2 are prominent enough for me to remember.

1) If you think about it, we can liken our body to the Earth, in a sense that a raise in just a few degree Celsius would have a detrimental effect on both. Earth part was inspired by Discovery Channel and body part was inspired by a febrile patient.

2) I have been very puzzled every time my piano teacher made the same comment that I always rushed when I played my scales. So logically I always slowed down after that though I didn’t clearly understood what was wrong actually.

After mulling over it during my insomnia, I finally received a revelation of the meaning of “rush” and how different it is from “fast”.

Fast – Implies a predictable constancy of consistency.

Rush – Implies an reckless inconsistency of speed,  a metronome’s worst enemy.

So bottomline of that revelation, USE A METRONOME. Set it as fast as you want, but FOLLOW the tempo.

___________________

With just an hour left to sleep, the break of dawn is quite a scary thing. I have to reach the hospital by 7am and highlight of the day is to discharge an illegal immigrant. I hope I get to call the ICA, add some drama into my already _____ life.

I can’t find an appropriate word to fill that blank.

Have a rehearsal later at night too, it’s been too long since I last practised on the cello. It is beginning to seem distant and daunting. Why does it have to go lower down my priority list every time my life gets busier?

All the best to me, I only hope to survive Wednesday.

Surprises

Went back to work after 2 days off only to discover a new patient with an open fracture involved in a road traffic accident. The hair at the back of my thighs stood and I could feel my legs became slightly weaker, upon seeing long metal screws (external fixation) sticking out of his heavily bandaged leg.

I haven’t seen anything like that before, and worse, not mentally prepared to see one at 7am. We talked for a while and he told me his story. I realised most patients love talking, especially about themselves.

I felt darn accomplished yesterday to finally pluck up my courage to talk to this permanently angry patient, after 1 week. From what I observed, he was always scolding his caregiver and other nurses. Thankfully our little talk went well, as in he didn’t get angry haha. I haven’t seen a slightest smile from him until now, and my aim is to make him smile hahaha.

Personally, I need to talk to my patients and create some kind of relationship. It’s just not fitting for me to nurse a stranger, if you know what I mean. Especially since I’m still a student, I don’t want my patients to feel that they are objects of my experiments. As crude as that sounds.

It’s disturbing for me to see students surrounding a patient to observe a procedure, without the consent of the patient. It’s not a show nor an exhibition. 2 is fine, >3’s a crowd. That being said, patients’ dignity is a big concern for me and I can get anal about it.

I think all patients should know the rights they are entitled to. One of which is to disallow nursing students to attend to you. Haha. But I’m uncertain if patients really have the right to choose the kind of treatments and interventions they receive. I mean, of course, this is a democratic country so on black and white, they can. But why are my patients complaining to me that despite voicing out a preference, healthcare professionals still insisted on their way?

Sometimes, I think we know our own body best and healthcare pro. should take heed of patients’ requests and not dismiss them so easily. Sometimes.

_______________________

On a lighter note, my music theory result was out today and I got a distinction. Yayyyy! I think it’s a miracle considering how I couldn’t find my exam venue thus was late and darn frustrated, and how the paper was quite different from the past-year papers I did… And I remember erasing a lot of my answers upon checking at the last 30 minutes. I blogged about it previously, describing it as my most agonising paper.

Preparing for my September piano practical exam now… I hope what happened last year won’t happen again this time.

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Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
- Ephesians 3:20

 

A Glimpse Into Nursing Life

And so I’ve been posted to a 6-bedded male cubicle in a neuro-surgical ward. “Neuro” suggests brain disorders/injuries and surgical suggests pre/post operation patients.

It was my first time taking care of male patients so I had a little culture shock, otherwise, I’ve adapted well since it’s a pretty familiar environment.

There are a few cases which I haven’t heard of before. Like having a ventricular-peritoneal shunt inserted to drain excess CSF continuously produced in the brain, into the abdominal area. And insertion of atrial-ventricular fibrillation in the right upper trunk of the body for kidney dialysis, due to excessive use of both hands for the past decade of dialysis.

That patient was recently transferred to our ward to recuperate from operation. He had very bad appetite and only managed to eat 2 spoonfuls of rice that night. While eating, he asked for a plastic bag as he was feeling nauseous, and actually vomited.

Flashback of previous experience played in my mind, where a renal patient asked me for a plastic bag for the same reason, only to pass on shortly after I gave her.

Anyway, it was such a relief when I found out that he could manage to eat a full meal the next day and was no longer feeling nauseous. =) I could see that he looked healthier too. That was a big improvement.

________________

Last morning while attending to this patient whom I’ve grown to know a lot better, he started sharing about how much trouble he’s causing his wife and daughter now that he’s hospitalised. What I didn’t expect was, he started to cry too.

It was only the beginning of my shift at 7+ and I was trying hard to contain my tears which thankfully I managed to.  It was also my first time being with a crying man and all I could do was to lend a listening ear. Sometimes there is little need for words.

I’ve seen how his wife would come after work every day at about 4pm to visit him and how she would stay till about 9pm with him. It is heartwarming to see how the couple still hold true to the vow they made decades ago when they decided to cleave only to each other, till death do them part.

________________

It’s been a good 4 days in the ward, 31 more days to go hahaaa…

 

From A Student To A Nurse

 

3 more days to attachment @ NUH. I’m rather looking forward to it actually, it’s the highlight of every semester for me, though I don’t deny that 7 weeks of being a nurse seems slightly daunting.

Would I be able to handle it?

I’ll be posted to an orthopedic ward for 5 weeks, operating theatre  and CDC (near TTSH) for 1 week each. It’d be by far the most challenging attachment in terms of length of time and kind of specialty.

For someone who cringes at the very mention or sight of any bone-related stuff (including dental procedures =/), it’d take a lot out of me I guess. Nonetheless, I must still act professionally and be the best nurse I know how.

I just hope there will be no open fracture cases or deformed limbs or body parts due to broken bones. =/ This would definitely be my first and last time being in an orthopedic ward, and it’s really fine for me not to ever see those cases.

On the other hand, I’m anticipating being in an operating theatre, it’s almost my childhood fantasy. Yay and it’s coming to past soon =) I’m uncertain what kind of operations there’ll be and am hoping there’s nothing to do with the eyes or brain. 0.0 Strangely, I think I’m fine with amputations, in fact, I’m really curious to witness it live.

They say an OT is like a carpenter’s room, with many intimidating equipment and saws. Sometimes even with the smell of barbequed pork? Due to the burning of flesh. o.o Really looking forward to see (or smell ewww.) it for myself and I feel privileged to be able to do so! =) Though, of course, we’ve all heard very bad stories about surgeons and their mannerism.

Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) is quite boring I heard. It’s mainly patient education and much therapeutic communication for people with infectious diseases such as HIV/AIDS and god-knows-what. I’m hoping time flies there, but doubting it will. The thought of travelling all the way to TTSH is a big put off.

My attachment schedule is really bad, it’s like everything I don’t want it to be. Out of 7 Sundays, I have to work on 5 of them and am spared the other 2 only because everyone else is. Thankfully my church has Saturday services, of which I might also not be able to attend to if I have afternoon shifts.

On top of that, I have a performance at the end of the month and looking at my schedule I can only go for about 1 or 2 more rehearsals. I definitely need to swap my shifts or something… It’s such a dreadful hassle.

____________________

My head seems lighter and more spacious now, good time to sleep!

Post Exams!

 

=))))

And so our Year 2 academic studies had come to an end, and we are now trying to utilise our pathetic 1 week of holiday before our 7-week attachment commences next week. Quite a sentence-full hehe.

At midnight while studying for Microbiology, protozoa, worms and all, my bestie text me to go Malaysia after my paper! This is how random we can get! I was so exhilarated (+ the effect of caffeine), I couldn’t sleep the entire night. Literally. Gushes of thoughts flooded my mind, rendering it a malfunctioned, overworked robot.

                           

And so I had the rare chance to witness a gorgeous sunRISE, which totally fascinated me. =)) The last time I did that at home was during my JC days… When school started at 7.30am. Ridiculous timing!

Rushed off after my paper to meet bestie to go Malaysia lol. I still find it amusing.

                               

Enjoying our Mango Ice Kimo, really nice eh. =))

We stayed in City Square mall for about 6 hours and returned at about 11pm. I realised many things could have happened, looking at how high the crime rate is and how they take daylight robbery literally. The transition at the custom felt really dangerous, we were so on our guards. Otherwise all was fine.

Upon reaching Singapore, we realised that both of us were actually uncontactable while in Malaysia. We had no autoroaming!!! We could have been kidnapped (my mum’s concern) and nobody’s ever gonna find us.

“Living life on the edge” perfectly describes that night. It probably was a moment of folly, carelessness and irrationality. Then again, Murphy’s law applies no matter where you are and what you do.

Thank God for protection and for watching over us! =)))

__________________

The next day…

Tuesday @ East Coast Park with bestie (again…), Olive, Imran and Jay the nurses!

We needed to shed away fats accumulated during exam period due to our super sedentary lifestyle and inactivity.

                              

Some things never change, we loved rollerblading @ ECP during secondary school days, and still do! =) Though much lesser now, like once a year? Or less? Lol…

                          

Olive with both our slippers as butt cushion! Waha. We headed off not knowing where to go and then Imran came up with a brilliant idea to go Marina Bay’s Helix Bridge! 0.0 Extremely cool!

                    

Silhouette of Jay as we rested under a bride somewhere near the Singapore Indoor Stadium. 

                    

YES!!! Finally arrived at our destination after about 2.5 hours. It was all worth it! =))) It was my first time there so I was very fascinated with everything, like an awakening of some sleeping senses.

The quite realistic DNA structure reminded me of  “Genes and Society” module I took in Year 1. NUS has seriously taken a hold of me. Waha.

                           

                            

For those who don’t know, the letters on the floor actually has significance to the structure!

C = Cytosine which has 3 Hydrogen-bonds with G (Guanine) &
A = Adenine which has 2 H-bonds with T (Thymine)
They are all nucleotides of a DNA and the H-bonds are what keep the 2 strands of DNA together.

Of course my first thought when I saw “A” and “T” wasn’t that but a nicer name. Hahaha. Otherwise I won’t be so fascinated as to taking a picture with some nucleotides. =P

                          

Bad angle of the Singapore Flyer. =/ Took it as I whee-ed past haha.

We were so tired, we took a cab back to East Coast. FAILED. Lol. The boys cycled back though. Only because a cab can’t fit in 2 bikes =Pp

                 \

Finally resting for good! Tiredness was written all over our faces. It only proved how much more we needed to exercise!

                

A little glimpse of sunset to end off the day. =)

________________

Bro got his driving license yesterday on his FIRST attempt! =) And so he drove us around tonight under the close guidance of my dad. But dad had to come down and help him with parallel parking hahaha. I’m happy just being driven around, it’s too much of a hassle!

We went for a joyride down ECP highway and past the Helix bridge again! Obviously it was my suggestion haha cos I wanna look at the lights on the bridge at night =Pp.

Again, my life was put at risk in the hands of a new driver!

These 2 days have been extremely life-threatening. Hahaha. Talk about post-exams celebration! Lol.

_________________

Rest of the week will be more toned-down, as I devote my time to my much neglected instruments. Much to catch up and improve.

And then I’ll be robbed of my life again, for 7 weeks.

Till then…

Exam Review

 

Done with 3 papers in these 2 days.

Nursing – Quite bad
Medical sociology – Bad
Politics – Happy

Psychology – Tomorrow
Microbiology – Next Monday (Sian.)

________________________________

I hate open-book papers actually. Ironically I feel more restricted to write even though we can bring in all the materials we’d need. It is precisely because of that that I feel my answer has to be PERFECT which I know is IMPOSSIBLE, so I just don’t know how to write it to match my expectation. Sigh… If you understand what I mean.

In similar vein, I am always struggling to write a satisfactory essay assignment even though we have access to academic journals and well, the internet. Same reason.

Though politics exam was also in the essay format, it was done through pure memorisation and ability to crap sensibly. Thus I find it easy to write and was happy with my paper, regardless of the result I’m gonna get. It’s the sense of knowing you have done the best you know how.

The time of exam is also a major determinant factor for me. Nursing and Sociology papers both started at 9am? It’s such an ungodly time for me to write anything decent or intelligent. Usually I’m still asleep or barely awake at 9am. For the past 2 days, it also came to my realisation that so much is happening while I am sleeping.

Mornings are such stressful time, with people rushing about with the hustle and bustle of life. I had excess time this morning and so was standing by my window and people-watched. I noticed their pace of walking was much faster then any other time of the day and people seemed to have a purpose to achieve, a destination to go. I kinda liked that scene, like how every one has a role to play in society.

Psychology paper starts at 1pm tomorrow. Nice timing. I’ve read through the entire textbook leaving a non-examined chapter out. If only every module and textbook is that interesting? This is by far the only module that is able to greatly captivate my interest. I’m just happy that I acquire this knowledge, regardless of my result.

Well, in the process of it all, I’ve seen how people are so hard up about grades and all, that doing better than others mean so much? I think comparing to gauge where you stand is fine, but comparing to know that you’ve outdone so-and-so is just plain distasteful.

Like so what? Does it make you more intelligent in any way?

Yay to meritocracy, boo to its ugly side effects.

 

My Awesome Kids

 

And so it goes, I have 5 kids now, ranging from 3-18 years old. =) 2 piano and 3 tuition.

A new 4 year-old girl was added today haha and she totally made my day! =)

While teaching her halfway, she took out something from her mum’s bag and showed me.

Me: What is that??
Her: *Giggles*
Me: *Takes a closer look* Oh, is that your diaper??? Why do you show me?? Hahaha.

Kids do the darnest thing! Waha.

And so I was trying to get her familiarised with the piano keys and had her put her tiny palm on the back of my hand (for a piggyback ride =P) as I pressed on the blacks keys.

"2 black keys, 3 black keys, 2 black keys, 3 black keys….”

                    

Until we reached the lowest set where there sits only one black key. Then I turned to look at her

Me: Oh.. Left one lonely black key… Usually nobody cares for it (since it’s the 2nd lowest note)… Do you want to care for it?
Her: Yes! (With all sincerity, and stretched over to press it.)

Omg so cute!!! And I don’t know where my lameness came from seriously. 

Kids are such wonders. =)))

Study Week

 

As the title suggests, it is NUS’ (or NUS’s?) study week now. I hate study week the most, though it seems like a good excuse to avoid other commitments. The thing is, even with so much (seemingly) free time, I am mentally imprisoned.

At the back of my mind, haunting screams keep calling for me to study and they won’t cease until they bind me to a chair in front of my books. Ok I’m exaggerating, but it’s about 80% true.

While lying on my bed at 4:30am, about to give in to a short slumber, it suddenly dawned upon me that I have piano lesson at 11am. My heart skipped a beat as I leapt out of my bed and readjusted my alarm clock.

How could I forget my weekly lesson? =/

Anyway, my teacher started off with scales, my worst section. I could sense she was getting impatient and so I was getting frustrated, with myself. I could only blame myself for not practising.

After the agonising moment, we moved on to my exam piece. She reduced the speed for practice from 48 to 46 cos I couldn’t play in time. Again, I was kinda frustrated because I could play in time in my room and I actually find it distracting when she played along with me an octave higher. But of course, I could only blame it on my poor… Time management?

Moving on, she had me started on my 3rd exam piece – Chopin Mazurka in A minor, op.7 no. 2. It was on repeat for over 2 hours while I studied and I’m beginning to like it. =) Actually I don’t really have good impression of Chopin piano pieces cos the long-windedness never fail to make me drowsy, though he’s supposedly a “piano poet”. I love his cello sonatas so much more. =)

__________________

Anyway, I hope this song will encourage all of you as it has for me. Sometimes, there are too many voices in our head or that of other people, which make us feel inferior or inadequate.

But God, our Creator, paints a whole different picture of us. He says that we are an apple of His eyes, that each of us is really special to Him and He really loves us despite all our shortcomings.

Makes me wanna cry just writing this. Ok enjoy…

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

The Frog Needs To Be Out Of The Well

 

Things are looking bleak now. I have lost my appetite yet again.

Just received a letter from my cousin in Japan, in it she attached a brochure of Nagoya, the place she’s living and studying in now. She ended the letter with “It should make you more keen to visit!” Lol, so cute.

If things go well, I’d definitely love to go at the end of the year. Anyone wanna tag along? Free accommodation! We can go eat sushi and see geishas together =)))

I just had a casual thought, that perhaps it’d be good to work in the UK for a while after maybe a year in local hospital? After all, their healthcare system is much more advanced, their salaries are much higher, nurses are more respected and best of all they have very established music therapy.

The flipside is that as an Asian I might be treated as a second-class citizen and since racism is prevalent there, I might get randomly shot down in the street after saving their own citizens at work.

However, if I wanna bring music into local hospitals, that is the best place to learn from. Like for my cousin, she’s learning the Japanese language, so obviously Japan is the best place to learn.

In addition, I have my music path to sort out. I’ll take things one at a time as for now.

Singapore is too small a place to be stuck in. =/

 

My Bedroom Walls

I spend most of my time at home in my room, minding my own business.

If the walls have eyes, they’d see how ugly I look when I cry, how silly I look when I laugh at my laptop, how bored I am while studying, how distressed/determined/satisfied (hardly) I am with my instruments.

If the walls have ears, they’d hear my most intimate prayers, my cries and whimpers, how whiny I can get with my instruments, my mf  laughter, my airy singing and my “Oh noooo”s and “Oh my god!!!”s while watching “Glee”.

And if they really have ears… They’d have crumbled down by now due to the so-called music I produced.

Almost all of the above listed happened on just this one day.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss? Sometimes it is probably good not to see or hear certain stuff.

Psychology is psychotic.

I can’t describe how hopeless I’m feeling right now.

My relationship with music has been good, at least I can see an apparent improvement over 1 week.

But I have a feeling this semester is so screwed for me. I had just received a call (sixth one at 8.15pm)  from the Psychotic Psychology Department of NUS regarding my term paper, after dismissing 5 previous calls from them cos it was an unknown number.

There is a reason why I seldom pick up unknown calls, very often nothing good ever come out of those.

Upon being told to meet them next Monday, I asked if my paper was “really bad” and the caller (my tutor cum coordinator for Psychology) told me it wasn’t, and that they just wanna “address some concerns” ….

Ok whatever that means.

The thing is, I’ve been studying Psych this whole afternoon cos that’s my only hope and favourite module for this semester. I got 84 the previous test and thought that this could at least help with my CAP.

And now I received that ____ call.

It just crushed every hope that I have. I don’t even feel like studying now. What’s the point.

______ __ .  =’’(

 

                               

Sunday @ East Coast!

                                                                     

My JC friend Si Min! She joined me for church and we went ECP after service with my cell =)) I love this picture of her cos I took it. And I think my backview is nicer than my front. Sadly.

_________________

Anyway, I had great pleasure hanging out with Steph Chan tonight. I was kinda bored with school and she happened to be in town. We spent 5 quality hours together, out of that perhaps 3-4 hours talking about music.

She was confused as to what I wanna do in life. Nursing or music??? It’s kinda clear to me that nursing is merely a responsibility, something I HAVE to and called to do. Otherwise, I know I will carry this burden for the rest of my living days.

Music, on the other hand, has always been my passion. It’s something I have wanted to do since as young as I can remember and it’s something I WANT to do for the rest of my living days.

It is, however, not easy to juggle between both, especially since they are of completely different worlds. Many times I find myself torn between two, the mental conflicts are tragic. How am I supposed to divide myself when both are screaming for my attention with equal loudness?

Weigh my priorities.

Music wins.

Because I know the effort I invest in now is gonna last me through my life, till my dying days. But I can’t say the same for studies though I love learning very much.

I find it hard to justify. There is a guilt in me every time I spend more time practising than studying. How ridiculous.

Hate the constant battle within me.